The Gift of an Awakened Depression

 

 

I contemplated this article for weeks. Deeply. Ruminating over the words that may beautifully share this story of depression, of growth, with impact. And those words never came clearly or fluently to me.

 

They came arbitrarily in everyday moments. As I was deep in thought, stretching physically and mentally, staring out of the gym window into the vast and bright sky. After receiving troublesome news, the burning intensity of life and death I could feel within my bones. Paused in the middle of a stranger’s deep and powerful story, a volt of realization shocking me into awareness.

 

I opened up my mind to see and feel these realizations. To become aware and mindful of the meaning and purpose that exist within my everyday experiences. Now I find myself sitting here, gripping onto those fleeting moments, memories, emotions- realizing there is no better time than now to let the words formulate, to be forced or fall onto this page.

 

There is never a better time than now.

 

I’m choosing to write the ugly parts of my story. The ugly parts that deserve to be pulled out from under the rug of which I kept them for so many years. Today, I’m laying out my story for both me and you. To show us that there is light and beauty within the darker parts of ourselves. Our unflattering stories.

 

I no longer shake at the idea of sharing this story with anyone. I am shaking at the fact that people are suffering in life, feeling alone and ashamed. Not able to live and enjoy life fully. Not able to see the light and meaning that exists within their suffering and their day-to-day life.

 

I am shaking at the fact that people are losing their lives to this.

 

I feel compassion and concern for those who aren’t getting the help they need. The tools, resources, and support -to not only relieve the depression- but to rise far above it. To thrive.

 

The difficult and darkest times of my life are where I learned my deepest lessons.
They have opened up life in a new way for me.

 

I was deeply in and sometimes out of depressive states for 7 years. These years serve a purpose today, they have catapulted me into an intense awareness- clearly showing me the importance and power of our mind, our beliefs, our overall health. Those years grant me the vibrancy I feel in life today.

 

I hope you can read the following with an open mind, as a person who has struggled or is struggling with depression or someone interested in looking through a different lens, a new perspective. I found my most-loved and hard-learned lessons in my darker moments, and I’m sharing them in hopes of connecting with someone. To show them that they aren’t alone in this. That there is more to this life, and that they have the power to see that by changing the way they view themselves, this life, and this world. By changing our mindset, the difficult moments of our life can be used to empower us- to lift us up and flourish.

 

At 8 years old, I began an unhealthy relationship with my body and my mind. I starved myself on purpose for the first time. Skipping lunch for weeks, the school had called my mom. At 12, suicidal ideation invaded my mind. At 14, I would have been labeled with anorexia and bulimia, but I told no one. My depression and eating disorder were one of the same, conditioned thinking resulting in unhealthy feelings and behaviors. It spiraled, taking more and more out of me. At 15, I planned to leave this life by 18. Coping in destructive ways, drinking and weekend nights became my getaway.

 

At 16, my cousin Carlie took her own life. She was only a few months younger than me, and I never had the chance to truly get to know her. Today, I feel her often when I write. Her spirit drives me in remarkable ways.

 

At 16, my parents divorced. With a newly broken family- the question of love, life, everything that I believed, became dreadfully overbearing for me alone to handle. With a poorly constructed mindset, I numbed- oversleeping, drinking, skipping classes. At 17, I graduated high school early and moved away. I created a new start, and that dark deadline slipped from me. I felt a sense of contentment here, one of the first subtle realizations that my life was partly in my control.

 

18 and 19, quite frankly, felt like floating. Casually drifting through life, still numbing with a somewhat sense of direction. At 20, I finally limited drinking. I started reading, painting, exploring myself in all of the painful and beautiful ways I neglected to do for years. I practiced self-love and self-care wholeheartedly.

 

At 21, I feel a burning intensity for life, a spark that lights me up fiercely.

 

This life excites me, finally.

 

Cultivating a new mindset and living healthier changed my life. I am grateful for those darker years, the lessons I learned, and the wisdom I experience today. I made a few firm decisions- to love myself at all stages of my life- for who I was yesterday, who I am today, and who I will be tomorrow. I learned self-compassion the hard and tedious way, but at last I have learned. I made another decision to remain curious throughout my life- to understand that this will be a life-long journey of loving and learning. I chose to view this life as a gift- pain, suffering, adversity, joy, love, opportunity – every bit of life, and for that I am grateful.

 

At such a young age, we begin to mold our beliefs about ourselves, continuously conditioning as the thoughts and feelings arise. Sometimes we accept these beliefs as truths. As I did, from 8 years old until I was 19. 11 years of negative conditioning. Yet, this isn’t something that only occurs as we are younger. Our mental and emotional health is something we must mindfully pay attention to throughout our whole lives. It is the lens of which we view and live our lives, and it results from repetitive conditioning of our thoughts and beliefs.

 

I had been floating through life unaware, lacking intention.

 

Letting myself sink deeper and deeper into an abyss of hopelessness without joy and meaning. Destructive thoughts conditioning me, pulling me further and further into it. I was only fighting against myself. A fight that slapped me with the realization that I was not only the victim, but the perpetrator. I had been broken down by the cruel words I would say to myself with ease, taunting me with the belief that I did not deserve to be here.

 

I was able to lift the darkness slowly. I started eating a little bit healthier and exercising. The world seemed to get just a little bit brighter. I slowly drifted away from the weekend partying and drinking, and I was gifted with an even brighter view of this world. The fog had cleared enough to the point where I was able to tackle the deeper issues that had laid dormant and untouched for years. The conditioned thoughts and beliefs in need of being broken, bended, and transformed. It registered with me that I had full control of what I say to myself, what I believe, how I react. This began to open up endless opportunities for me.

 

My awakening was more of a subtle, slow unraveling of the pieces of me that never truly belonged.

 

Unwinding and revealing my true nature- raw, human, beautiful. The nature that lies within us all. For too long, I hid unknowingly behind a manipulated and destructed version of myself. A deep depression transpired from a lack of careful attention to my needs- mentally, physically, spiritually- losing awareness of myself and this world. Who I am and what I would give. My purpose. The meaning had slipped away from my everyday experiences, because I was not actively seeking it. Losing vitality, I gained an unfaithful companion in depression. Today, I could have never imagined it would gift me with empowerment, joy, and gratefulness. I had to open myself up to see, feel, taste, breathe in this realization.

 

Our minds are remarkably powerful, dominant and commanding in ways that it can control our experience of life.

 

I made it a habit, a conscious effort, to pause each moment a destructive thought arose. I forced myself to question it. Is this empowering or destroying me? I would rephrase the thought in order to make it one of empowerment, and I would continue on with my day. This was extremely repetitive at the beginning. I was in awe of how frequently and destructively I would speak to myself. We become so easily unaware within our daily lives when things become habitual. If your life is one way today – and you are unhappy – you can change.

I had always believed I would be happy when “this, this, or that” happened. When my tough circumstances would somehow go away. When I would have a body I was satisfied with. That isn’t the case. That’s never the case. I became happier (more joy and meaning in my life) by changing one ultimate thing: my mindset. How I would view adversity. How I would rise up and tackle challenges. How I would speak to myself – lovingly, encouragingly, empowering. How grateful I would be for all that I have, and all that I don’t.

 

I have one ultimate ambition:

I want to love this life and those I encounter deeply.

 

To do so, I must love myself and release the limiting beliefs that hold me back. Be grateful for this life always- the suffering and the joy. Let myself learn all of the lessons that I must – to grow and love. I feel the parallel between life and death more than ever. It pushes me in beautiful ways to make the most out of my time here on this earth. To be the person I want to be for others.

Look into yourself, deeply.

What is your ultimate ambition? Question the life that you live, the life that you want to be living. Learn and take control of the power of your mind, your beliefs. Make a choice to live life with a mindset that will open up opportunities. A lens that offers meaning in each day and allows you to see the lessons in pain and adversity. Be your best advocate in this life, and love yourself for all of the intricate beautiful pieces- the bright and the dark.

 

Create an empowering mindset, and let your thoughts, beliefs, and actions strengthen you.

 

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